Possibly the most ridiculous thing in my life is my relationship with decaf coffee. It used to be a support I had to rely on. Sounds strange, I know. But I'm what's called a "slow metabolizer" of caffeine, the slowest kind (two copies of the slow gene), so a very small amount (a decaf coffee could have 6-30 mg) can go a long way. Also, caffeine messes me up thoroughly about ten different ways. At the same time, I have absolutely needed help to get to work and focus when my energy levels are low. ADHD, depression, and a sleep disorder can make for a mighty fine punch in the face.
Then you get first hints of a migraine from the caffeine you either did or didn't have today. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Before returning in mid-2019 to the especially mild antidepressant/stimulant first prescribed for me almost 20 years ago (I've found a secret weapon that makes it actually work, a little-known amino acid that's always found inside us), I had this love/hate thing going with caffeine, even decaf coffee, which, as I said, is what I usually used.
Since starting the medication, I react worse to caffeine than before, it helps less, and also I need it less. Yet the thing isn't entirely gone. Sometimes I feel I have to fall back on it. Nothing like teaching or driving with your eyes closing themselves. Don't even try it! The one can kill you and someone else both, someone who doesn't deserve your stupid end. And the other, the former, is sheer misery and almost can't work.
Decaf coffee these days makes me considerably more ADHD. But I still have the addictive yearning for it, even now as I think about it, and it's been maybe a week, and I've been doing rather better. My focus has lengthened. The walls of impossibility have come down. I can decide to work on something, and then it gets worked on, without that much fuss.
