I distrust fine distinctions. It's one reason I'm not trying to exist mainly in academia. When you're good with words, it's easy to make things sound important, or make nonsensical or speculative divisions into two categories sound amazingly smart and well-oiled and tuned into the currents. Then thanks to your way of sounding smart and picking a wonderfully subtle (and probably inconsequential) difference to elaborate on, anyone not ideologically against you is unlikely to think that what you're saying is pure bollocks, which let's face it, it might be. 

Also, the more delicate what you say, and the more you spritz in the perfume of this and that domain and lingo, the more difficult it gets for anyone to catch you out on an actual prediction deriving from your opinions, something that can be checked. No, we go into a healthy discourse here on this and this and this aspect of the space. Which might be good and healthy. It's just there isn't a whole lot of testing going on to make sure we aren't just drinking the same Kool-Aid at the same time.

The more trouble you have expressing a distinction - say between this proper and this improper attitude - that is, the more it takes you a whole article or book just to spit it out - the more I wonder why I should trust what you've baked just because it clearly took a lot of baking. Did anyone actually measure this by eating it? Do we know if this is going to give us a heart attack in three years of snacking on it?

No. More often than not it hasn't been tested, and simply sounds fancy and believable enough (aka it has "face validity," which is no kind of proof at all).

There are certain ways that we will feel misunderstood by most of the world. I think that's true for everyone.

One way I feel systematically misunderstood is by women I particularly like.

My dad can be a real abusive bastard - that was a lot of my childhood, just sheer poisonous, sickening, sometimes terrifying stress.

I have always wanted and tried to be the opposite of that. You ever wonder what the meaning of my long hair was? Mostly that - a rejection of toxic masculinity and a preference for femininity - and wanting to be an artist of some kind.

Women I really like don't understand where I'm coming from.

The way I show someone I like her is through care and tenderness.

That's also a way I am with friends and family. But there is a particular let's say wavelength or frequency that I know is received, because I can see her notice, and often she will subtly start avoiding me at that point. Sometimes it's as obvious as an immediate face - a microexpression that says, "Eww, gross, ugh, that's lame and disappointing and weak" - imagine the face she might make picking up a really old stinky moldy dish rag that was in a puddle in the corner - thumb and forefinger - then mute the expression way down because we're in polite company and don't want to hurt people's feelings. Yeah, I know that expression very well. It's how I'm (almost always) received when I really like someone and show her the way I want to show her, with tenderness. It's a subtle thing, and I guess it could fall under what's called "too nice" or "performative," except it's neither too nice nor performative. It's exactly how I feel, communicated subtly. But it's weak or disgusting.

I don't know about you, but to me, that feels like being misunderstood. Because generally those women showed interest in me first. I actually have very good radar, believe it or not. I've been able to tell when someone would later sleep with me the second we first made eye contact, with several people. And other feats of radar. I watch women lose interest in me because I am not their idea of masculine. It hurts. I guess I understand.

And I'm not that weak. I did martial arts for 10 years - 8 to 18 - including full-contact sparring every week, and competitions, and I was generally feared by people who had to face off with me, and later I often led classes.

But to see the way women react to me when they seem interested and then I'm interested...

I just feel misunderstood. I feel like I'm letting her know that 1) she is very special to me, 2) I would never, ever hurt her, 3) I try to be, and I think overall am in general, the opposite of an abusive shit, 4) I want to be her friend regardless of whether she wants to go out with me, and 5) just in general it's ok.

But either that's unattractive or it isn't understood or it's actively misunderstood.

🤷

One useful way to understand this is that as a guy, it isn't just important not to be an abusive shit, it's also important to be a shield, sometimes, if and where needed, against abusive shits.

And I guess I don't advertise that I can be that if and where needed.

Mainly I advertise that I am not an abusive shit, and mainly she has no particularly good reason to believe me. And also it isn't seen as masculine and instincts are ancient and the way I'm acting doesn't turn her on at all.

As I said, I guess I understand.

When you're a guy like me and it seems like someone's interested in you, and you're realizing she's more than just your type, you wish you could kind of act in a way that shows how you feel with tone etc, she could notice, and she could scoop you up because she was interested in you.

But that's never how it is. Not in my lifetime.

So my polarity is a bit backwards, and I've known this.

As maybe my best female friend ever once said, and I took it as a huge compliment (and she meant it as one, I could tell, and she immediately reassured me of that also), "Lyndon, when you like someone, you act just like a girl!"

I don't know if that's true, but I feel it intensely.

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I'm neither gay nor trans; basically, I feel like a lesbian who happens to be a man and is totally fine with that. And a lot of the time I feel nothing like a lesbian (other than in all the human ways). It's just when I really like someone, I guess I'm what you'd call submissive. Which is normal enough, seen as "weak" and "beta" and "needy" and whatever else. But for me it doesn't feel like weakness, it feels like how I want to feel in those situations.

It's generally seen as normal for men to be a bit less empathetic - or at least to be capable of being less empathetic without making a big deal about it.

To my mind this is one of the subtle markers of masculinity. Anyone can get unempathetic sometimes. Anger itself is partly a mood whose purpose is to cut down a lot of your empathy and fear. And who has never been angry?

But I've noticed that when most women get less empathetic, there's usually more resentment and more recoil about it. They really want you to know - with or without saying directly - that they are no longer empathizing with you. They want to be scathing.

With guys, the tendency is for less empathy to be much more casual. (Maybe. Hear me out. I accept this could be all my imaginings.)

If you're mistreating me so that I have to change the situation, I will change the situation. This may well involve (at least temporarily) reducing how much I'm considering / dwelling on your feelings.

What you generally will not see from me, though, is this big resentment or anger or vindictiveness that you made me get less empathetic.

No, I'll just deal with the situation as well as I can.

It's normal for me to empathize, and it's normal for me not to (much).

I don't use it as a big reward or a big punishment. It's more like driving a car or steering a sailboat (or what I imagine that to be like). It's pragmatic.

I won't rage against how horrible Bin Laden is. I see a human being who's messed up. If I had a sniper rifle with a bead on him, and he were getting away, I'd pull the goddamn trigger. But I wouldn't make some big fuss the rest of the time. I'd do what I thought was best, generally quietly and without any resentment, or if I felt resentment, I'd mostly keep it to myself or say it just once at a pivotal moment.

I'm not claiming I'm the most manly man - obviously I'm very far from that. But I am empathetic, and I can also be calmly and practically less empathetic. It's a thing I see in myself a lot, and often I feel guilty about it, but there's no need. It's natural enough, and even good and useful. I like it.

Also, I have noticed that when this shows in the way I've described above, it often seems to be attractive to women.

For example, just a random example, once in college I saw this girl I vaguely recognized fall down a few stairs, twisting her ankle. Or maybe I heard it and turned around and saw her. Immediately there were about 4 people around her trying to help, which is wonderful. I was somewhat far off - maybe 25 ft. I stood there and watched for a moment, trying to decide if I should go over. Being shy, you feel awkward about such things - self-conscious. It was a bit like one of those moments when someone drops something and it's really closer to them, so you might be hesitating over whether you really need to ingratiate yourself by diving over faster than they can bend down. It was the same kind of indecision.

While I was standing watching her - she was wincing and clearly in pain - she looked up and saw me, and there was a moment of eye contact. After another second or two I turned around and walked off. I didn't need to get in the way. There were others all around her, helping her up.

Every time we saw each other after that on campus, she smiled at me.

Writing a poem is work that makes no money. It isn't intended to. The words are put down to make the world a little bit better, preferably forever.

If the poem's really awful, then perhaps the poem should be put down via deletion. But you don't have to read a poem you don't like. Bad poems take little space and do little harm. Breathe a little freer and try to make a few of the ones you write good.

I remember once overhearing my dad say to my mom that he thought my future might be in sound and music. It was based on something I'd said about Bach... that his music sounds like an automaton wrote it, only not, because it's so obviously human. This was to be fair based on the fact one of the great strategy game designers, Sid Meier, creator of Civilization and also Pirates! and also Alpha Centauri and others, had written an engine to synthesize new pieces of Bach-like music. But my comment was years later and also very much my own feeling in the moment, and what I overheard my dad saying was not based on just the one moment. It was based on knowing me my whole life.

The women I like most romantically are very difficult to get to know, and the reason seems to be because I especially like them.

This is part of the lived experience of being a guy, especially a shy one.

Underrecognize how heavy it is at risk of simply not understanding at all.

Note: I don't have a friend zone problem, actually, but a reversed friend zone problem! That is, I always want to be friends, and because I'm a guy and a bit different I'm apparently not trusted. Meanwhile, I know all about the friend zone primarily because I've friend zoned so many women - trying to be as gentle and considerate and direct and loving about it as possible. Which is, I wish, how I could be treated when I like someone who isn't interested in pairing up with me.

Do you get it? I've never complained about being in the friend zone because friendship is the most important thing to me, and my problem is that when it matters most to me, I'm rejected as a friend - subtly, but in some ways definitely. "Of course I'd like to be friends!" and then not responding anymore is a rejection, and actually it hurts a lot. The weird thing is, you think that's inevitable - you think sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind - but it is the friend rejection that really hurts me, actually, not the romantic rejection. They're connected but still separate. It only hurts me so much because I like you romantically, but it's the friend rejection that hurts so much.

Anyway. I don't know how obvious that is. But it's real. It's my life.

There's this moment I don't hear talked about much at all, probably because it's awkward and unpleasant and sort of nerve-wracking and might make you look/feel like a bad person to admit.

But there's this moment when you're curious about a girl/woman and you start to get the feeling she might think you're a creep. Or maybe now you're almost downright sure about it.

What do you do?

It can be upsetting to feel like you're being treated as if you might be an axe-murderer. Even just feeling like that - regardless of whether you are being seen/treated that way. It's upsetting.

You don't want to think any less of her. Of course.

Even if this is hurting and she seems to misunderstand entirely.

But you're left with these unparseable questions, like, is it ok if I send her a message saying "Hi"? Or if she says she would/might like to be friends, is that because she's worried if she says "No" you'll stalk, rape, and murder her?

Sometimes you wish people had x-ray vision and they could see straight into your heart and understand.

Enough social anxiety can make you seem creepy sometimes. No one's actually told me I'm creepy, ever. Not that I can ever recall, anyway, and it's the kind of thing I'd remember. But I've felt many, many times that I was seen as creepy. (How much of that was just my anxiety talking? Difficult to measure.)

It can be the most heartbreaking feeling.

Do you get that I'd rather jump off a cliff than harm you?